PerNoWriMo

Well, if you've been following my NaNo journey, you know that it didn't quite reach its destination.

Which is actually kind of weird for me, because if there's one commitment to myself I take seriously, it's NaNo.


So i spent the whole day sitting in an internal soul shark cage, waiting for the disappointment and anger and self hate and disgust to come biting.


Boy did it ever.


I couldn’t even believe myself. I had shortchanged myself, and I wasn’t even sure how it happened. Life crushed the breath out of me, and I completely allowed it.

Well, I can’t say I’m past those feelings, but I eventually realized that God loved me and I still had my family and friends and my pretty things and all my life and my soul (even if it was a self-abusing little numbskull), and it would all be ok. I asked myself, how exactly would this be ok?

I stared at my soul stupidly, and replied that I didn’t have an answer to that, but if I know God, this is not the end of anything.

Then my soul remarked that it was certainly the end of NaNo. Troll.

But then I thought, wait just a darn minute! It may be the end of National Novel Writing Month, but Personal Novel Writing month is just beginning!


And so, ladies and gentleman, December is now Personal Novel Writing Month, for all of you whom life knocked off your feet in November. Same goal, none of the formality. It’s actually a bit more of a challenge if you think about it; you have to rely on yourself for the 50% +/- of the focus you formerly gave to the constructs of NaNo. I do recommend, however, that if you feel like joining me and all, you let someone else know, so they can help keep you on track and celebrate with you when you succeed.

50,000 word novel, here we come. :)

Posting for Posting's Sake...

It is LATE. But I can't sleep, I have writing to do! I would sacrifice nearing everything for that. Sadly, sometimes my own impulsiveness and obsessiveness gets in the way.
*sigh*
Sometimes, I just don't like myself. I really don't. No, I despise myself sometimes, and it burns me up inside. My own skin scalds caustically into my flesh, flesh into bone, and sometimes I just sit still and wait for it to burn me all the way down to my molecules and atoms, and disintegrate me. Maybe it'd stop aching so darn much.

It's not like there aren't times when I'm positively manic with glee or truly pleased with being myself. But there are so many times when its just a dull sort of numb at best and at worst I just want to curl up inside of my shell and be gone (sorry, I've got TMNT on the brain* XD). I don't know if I have an answer to this situation. I really just keep praying and watching TV and reading and drawing and writing.

Yeah, just keep writing...



:)

*I'm currently craving 80's Cartoons, gritty b&w comics, turtle action figures, and pizza. Hmm, pizza...that would be nice right now...

Dory gif courtesy of this place over here and this one over there.

Pizza gif courtesy of this place right here...

Counting

So one day, while I was eating salted almonds, I was counting and arranging them, like I do from time to time, and getting a huge thrill out of it...I'm sure all of you have done that on occasion too, right?

Anyway, I decided to take a picture on an impulse, just so you get an idea of just how...me your author is. Of course, I chose the number 13, because it is one of, if not my outright, favorite number. Why? It's such a twisted, misunderstood, so-ugly-it's-cute type of number. I've always thought it's pretty, but there is a reason why it doesn't come up as often as 9, 3, 7, etc; it's a bit awkward, and often passed up in favor of its much more streamline, divisible neighbor, 12.

13 has some nice properties and relations to society and the universe-- it's the number of Archimedean solids in existence, the number of notes (via inclusive counting) in an octave, and it has a spooky, unluckiness to it that no other number can compete with (though not in Italy XD).

Bigger on the Inside

Goodness, how uncommunicative have I been?

I must apologize. I'm such an introvert, and such a thinker; so much thought, so little action.

But that's not the beginning and end of me.

I think we all have a secret side, right? Like a box within a box? Well imagine a box inside that small box, and then a smaller one inside that one, and then another, and another, and another until the most inner box is nearly imperceptible. That may very well be me...

For I am a creature of thought, but when thought ceases and impulse and the yearning for adventure and excitement and the repulsion of boredom overtakes me, it's as though the old me has stepped aside and someone new and powerful and unpredictable emerged and decided to take me for a spin.

The question is, how long is that person going to lurk in the shadows while my overgrown cerebrum considers and considers and considers...

I suppose my prayer, my plea with God, is that I know when the opportunity is ripe and the situation calls for my action.

I also suppose now is as good a time to start as any.

Hello Readers, I don't believe we've really quite met...

Uh...yeah...sorry...

I'm just off and on all the time, aren't I? Truthfully, I'd prefer to be a bit more regular, but, well... You'd all have to put up with me at my most unpredictable. But I guess it beats me not posting, right? So I could just do that every once and a while, I guess... Anyhow, thank you, loyal readers, for putting up with me for so long. Let's see if I can't make it a bit more worthwhile.

~rrc

Hardened Hearts---Revelation

Okay, I can't claim to be a prophet or immensely wise in biblical matters (even if I was, it would be extremely arrogant to advertise it so...). But occasionally, I do experience revelations regarding life questions , passages of the bible, Etc. And, since this is improtant to me personally, I thought, might as well share it; spreading the word of God and furthering His works is my main purpose and goal anyhow.

So, for the longest time, I have reasoned, based on the views of a certain humanities class of sorts (thank God for Ms. M) and The rhetorical works of dear Clive Staples Lewis, among other sources, all views of which I have accepted into my own, that God created humanity with free will for the purpose of having other, sentient, non-puppet beings to form relationships with. This is the reason for sin, and the cause of much good. This is the reason God created us. But, if this is one aspect of our being which He gave us a right to, and, because of it's very nature, can not and will not encroach upon, there is a disparity caused by passages such as this: "And the Lord said unto Moses, When thou goest to return into Egypt, see that thou do all those wonders before Pharaoh, which I have put in thine hand: but I will harden his heart, that he shall not let the people go." (Exodus 4:21 [KJV] [emphasis added])

Wait, so, God can harden our hearts? he can reach in our chests and turn flesh to granite, is that what you're saying? What happened to free will? What happened to the choice to sin or obey? Does that mean that people can get punished for actions they had no control over? That goes completely against God's principles--- he loves us, that's what he created us for, So that we may choose to love Him. And it doesn't just mean people who do what he asks of them, but everyone. Everyone. That means he doesn't just love the saint, but the sinner too; not just you or me (not to say either of us fall into other category), but the neighbor across the street who has loud parties at 3:00 in the morning, your teacher, your best friend, your worst enemy, the guy who stole an old lady's wallet, and, yes, the Pharaoh (not to mention all the people of Egypt who got to pay for Mr. Heart-of-Granite's antagonistic obstinence). What the heck man?!?

This one, believe it or not, troubled me for a long time. Pretty much since the day I read the verse, actually, so, since 3rd grade. Howeve, recently, I had a revelation and I think I finally figured it out (see what a little faith and patience can do?). And it was all thanks to this little jem of a passage here: "But though he [Jesus] had done so many miracles before them, yet they believed not on him: [40] He hath blinded their eyes, and hardened their heart; that they should not see with their eyes, nor understand with their heart, and be converted, and I should heal them. [this is a quote from Isaiah {though the verse is from John} explaining that this had been prophysized about before, but nobody really listened or understood when the events unfolded] [42] Nevertheless among the chief rulers also many believed on him; but because of the Pharisees they did not confess him , lest they should be put out of the synagogue: [43] For they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God." (John 12:37,40, 42-43 [KJV])

Ooooohh, it all makes sense now! Just as God doesn't just change your attitude when it turns sour, he's not going to just coat your heart in ice to serve His purposes; He doesn't need to. If you make yourself usable, He'll use you. If not, He'll find a way, but never in a manner that overtakes your free will. Instead, he puts you in a situation that brings out result already writhing around in your soul. if you allowed His will to take over, he could just get rid of it and bend the situation in your favor; if Pharaoh had accepted Him by accepting His people and His messenger, then this wouldn 't have even come up. god would have found some other way to display His glory. But, since His people had been wronged and the Egyptians refused to change (He did give them at least a generation or two, right?) they needed to be taught a lesson-- don't mess with God's peeps, yo! (okay, that was silly, but seriously, don't.)

So, bottom line, God only uses what's in the heart already-- if it's good, then the individual will be bless, if it's bad, God will bring it forth. We certainly don't need any encouragement to be sinful, and God is fully aware of that.

Now, I'm sure there are some exceptions or loophole situations of some sort I didn't mention, but it's fine, that's how God operates-- breaking the rules while keeping them (amphibious fish anyone? Yes, they do exist! Look it up.). All I know, is that he never, ever, breaks His own rules without keeping them. He may make loopholes, but He never goes against his nature or back on His word. So if He made sentient beings instead of puppets, He's never going to try and make them puppets. He gave us a choice, and He's not going to take that away; it's up to us to make the right one, and not wait around for the offer to end.